Three Hoodies Save the World

Constant moaning and whinging about everything

Archive for the month “February, 2015”

I lost my job and almost got slaughtered by a double mattress.

For the second time in my life I’m being made redundant and I’m beginning to take it personally.
Neither occasion has been my fault but at my age there are a lot of younger people willing to do my job for less money. I wonder if thirty years experience stands for much – I hope so.

And as if that wasn’t torment enough, I was following a heavily laden truck this evening on my scooter. Heavily laden with mattresses, that is. I could see they weren’t very well secured and according moved from directly behind it into another lane. Sure enough, a few minutes later a particularly spirited (or malicious) gust of wind took hold of an enormous and hideously stained mattress, blocking out the last of the remaining sun, before launching itself into the slipstream. But instead of falling behind the rapidly departing truck it spotted easy game and took a deliberate forty five degree angle before landing about five feet before me in the three lane hyper expressway that laughingly has a fifty mile per hour limit. Laughingly, because have you ever known anyone keep to the limit as an entire weekend beckons?

Luckily I managed to avoid the acre or so of rotting material only to be narrowly missed by the forty ton juggernaut barrelling down the lane to my left.

If I sell a couple of thousand books this weekend I can happily go into the office for my last few days next week with a sneer of contempt for my lost job, although I’m not holding my breath. It will take a little more than that to quell the beating of my ailing heart.
Posted by Roger Lawrence at 23:14
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My newest novel. Available at Amazon and smashwords
My newest novel. Available at Amazon and smashwords
The Book of Pain
If you’d like to get my newest blog by RSS

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Now it’s my daughter’s turn.

Relationships with my wife have improved somewhat, evidenced by the gradual thawing of frost on every horizontal surface in the house. Unfortunately the same can’t be said for my daughter.

She usually prefaces every sentence to me with one of three words. Each one guarentees a definite subtext.

“Father” Pure patronisation.
“Pater.” Unbridled sarcasm.
“Daddy.” I’ve broken something.

Now she’s acquired an new weapon in her arsenal.
“Dad!!!” Yes, like most teenage girls she can pronounce exclamation marks. She can even speak in italics but I won’t subject you to those – it’s just too horrible.

I was subjected to Dad!!! for the first time this evening. But just to set it straight, I put more money into her bank account every month than I was earning when I left the Royal Marines – and people were trying to kill me then. I’ve just paid £150 to tax her car, and am about to pay another £500 to repair something in said car even though I’ve been asking her for months to stop driving it and put it in the garage. But now, two days before her birthday, because I’ve already spent a kings ransom on her and refuse to spend my dwindling resources on something she’ll never even use she’s furious with me. Words such as: Miser, tight-arse, skinflint and other myriad adjectives Roget’s would have been proud of have been flowing for hours. Thus she’s resorted to the final ploy; the one that always used to work.

“You hate me and wish I was dead!!!!”

I’m seriously thinking of getting on my motorbike and driving to Greenland.
Posted by Roger Lawrence at 22:57
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My newest novel. Available at Amazon and smashwords
My newest novel. Available at Amazon and smashwords
The Book of Pain
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Valentine’s Day Specials!

Joanne Phillips

Happy Valentine’s Day to all my lovely fellow bloggers and blog readers 🙂 What are you up to today? Do you celebrate V day with roses and a candlelit dinner for two, or do you prefer to ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist?

I’m a bit of a romantic – you never would have guessed, right? – so I’m firmly in the first camp. Although, the candlelit dinner will probably just be a Chinese takeaway in front of the fire while watching TV, and I do think roses are a waste of money, not to mention a rip off …

Maybe not so much of a romantic after all 😉

Still, I do have a couple of special promotions to celebrate the fact that romance is in the air – the first of which is happening in our lovely local book shop, aptly named ‘BookShrop’ (it’s a book shop…

View original post 105 more words

I’m in the dog house

For all you non brits, that’s a euphemism for I’m so deeply in trouble with my wife that it’s unlikely I’ll ever get another smile from her. My heinous crime? Perhaps leaving something switched overnight and burning the house down? Running over the cat? Or how about that old faithful, not making the bed when I got up? Always a sure way of annoying she who must be obeyed. No I didn’t do any of that; and not once in thirty years have I left the lavatory seat up after using it. Counts for nothing!!

No, I committed none of the above wretchedness. It was more a case of what I didn’t do. I think you know where this is going.

Curiously, I always seem to forget those anniversaries the fairer sex seem to find so important. “Sorry, darling for not remembering that this is the 9,850th day since we met – happy anniversary.” After more than thirty years of marriage I still don’t know how women remember such stuff, thus I have absolutely no idea what was playing on the radio at the very moment of our introduction in Jun ????????1983 ish. She does.

For the life of me; and it might just be for the life of me; I don’t remember the colour of the bikini she wore on our first date. I do remember the expression on her face as she fell into the water at about thirty knots when her water ski snapped. I remember that very well – and my heroic self control in not laughing, especially as she never found the top half again.

No, my crime of the century, after battling a thousand car born maniacs on my way home from work, then doing the weekly shop before feeding the cats whilst she and my daughter were out at the stable comparing Uggs or something equally crucial, then tidying away the dead rodents from the patio courtesy of my daughter’s two feline godzillas, was an absolute brain freeze when it came to buying or making a valentine’s gift for my beloved.

The clattering of dustbin lids and the distant yowl of the neighbours dog suggests that her displeasure is here to stay for a few days. And as for getting my laundry done in the next decade- well I think you can guess the answer to that.

I’m such scum.

Here’s a good competition for you to enter.

http://www.simongoodson.com/great-big-giveaway/#comment-2556

For six (signed) terrific novels, not to mention other sundry magnets.

#Authors #Marketing Yourself and Your Work Part FOUR

Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog

writer_398245

Cartoon from Toonpool.com

The following is an extract from a talk delivered at the Calgary Public Library in Feb. 2011.

Part 4

Okay, now you’ve completed the further editing, the proofs have been approved, and it’s just a matter of waiting for the printer to produce and ship your book. So, what’s been happening at the publishing house all this time? The main thing they’ve been up to is preparing for, and holding, sales conferences for their sales reps. A catalogue page for your book should have been completed and posted online. Be sure to link to this page on your own blogsite, and direct anyone to it who asks about your book. The reps have been told about you, and they have discussed how they can best sell your book to booksellers, libraries, wholesalers and specialty markets. Some of them may have even read the manuscript. If at all…

View original post 1,773 more words

What’s in a name.

Quite a lot, apparently.

I’m quite happy with my new novel The Book of Pain; or more precisely as happy as I’m ever going to be with any of my books.

I did a considerable amount of research to ensure every historical detail was accurate. In fact I researched it to death. Every part but one it seems. The name.

A few days ago I googled it to see if Smashwords or even less hopefully, Amazon had entered it as they sometimes do, and found to my horror that I’m not the only writer of The Book of Pain.

Even one would be bad, but upon further checking I discovered ten books with exactly the same title. I know nothing is unique and everything is just a rehash of something previously written. And even though none of them apart from mine are novels, I really should have checked instead of feeling quite smug and hoping it was unique.

Lesson learnt.

#Authors #Marketing Yourself and Your Work Part THREE

Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog

writer_398245

Cartoon from Toonpool.com

The following is an extract from a talk delivered at the Calgary Public Library in Feb. 2011.

Part 3

Once the contract is signed, and while the manuscript is being worked on by the editor, is the best time for you to ramp up your web presence. While you wait for the edited copy to be returned to you – and this could take several months – is when you should work on further developing your blog and Facebook presence. This may be a good time, as well, if you haven’t done so already, to create a website (and your publisher may help you with this as they will want you to link to their site), and prepare yourself for the time in the very near future when you can actually call yourself “a published author.”

It’s not too early to announce that you have signed a…

View original post 1,424 more words

#Authors #Marketing Yourself and Your Work Part TWO

Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog

writer_398245

Cartoon from Toonpool.com

The following is an extract from a talk delivered at the Calgary Public Library in Feb. 2011.

Part 2

The best time to begin building your readership is while you’re still writing the manuscript. The very first thing you need to do is create a web presence of some kind or another. This can be as simple as building a blogsite (always free) and writing posts for it on a regular basis. Encourage your friends to subscribe to this, and ask them to ask their friends to do the same. Then write something meaningful, as often as you can, even if it’s only once a week. You should never have to ask, “But what should I write?” You’re a writer; you’ll think of something! Write regularly, keep it positive and upbeat, and post, or repost, articles that will create a discussion in your comments. When people comment…

View original post 1,453 more words

#Authors #Marketing Yourself and Your Work Part ONE

All writers. Read this now.

Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog

writer_398245

Cartoon from Toonpool.com

The following is an extract from a talk delivered at the Calgary Public Library in Feb. 2011.

Part 1

Before I begin, please watch this video:

 .

I’ve named these two characters Wannabe Author (WA) and Real Author(RA).

How many of you have ever said any of the things Wannabe Author says in this video? Come on, be honest. Okay, then, how many of you have heard other writers say any of these things? And, like Real Author, haven’t you just wanted to put them and everyone else out of their misery by ignoring whatever they say? Obviously, Wannabe Author is the least promotable kind of author. First of all, Wannabe is never likely to be published, so will be of little worry to the publishing industry anyway. WA is not listening to an experienced author, knows nothing about the publishing business, and thinks the path to…

View original post 911 more words

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