Three Hoodies Save the World

Constant moaning and whinging about everything

Archive for the month “February, 2016”

completely pointless conversation pt1

As previously mentioned, for the first time in twenty five years I decided not to build, but buy a computer. The machine I bought isn’t bad but needs more RAM (temporary memory) to give it a little more byte – sorry. This job could be performed by a retarded mullet in about three minutes; and that includes taking off the back of the machine.

I thus went to a closer branch of the shop than where I bought it, the largest  computer chain in England and proceeded to the KnowHow section – the part where all the alleged nerds work.

“I bought a computer last week and it needs more RAM. Would I be correct in assuming that doing it myself would invalidate the warranty?”  I had to say this a second time to the young lady more interested in the rear end of  a male shopper than my mundane request.

“Yeah, that would bugger the warranty.” I didn’t know that particular word was a nerdy phrase. I’ll have to remember.

“So if I bring it here will you do it?”



“Cos’ that’ll bugger the warranty.”

“So can I send it back to ******, then?”

‘”You could.”

“Oh, good.”

“But they won’t do it because it’ll bugger the warranty.”  Becoming a teensy bit narked now I asked as politely as I could what I should do.

“Well, you could take it to an authorised computer repair shop.”

“But I’ve been doing it myself for twenty five years.”

“Yeah, but they’re authorised.”  I was past a teensy bit annoyed now and approaching pi**** off.

“So will that be alright then, if I take it to a properly authorised repair shop?” I asked happily.

“No. that will bugger the warranty.’

More to follow when I’ve stopped biting the keyboard.


Sunny Side Up

Suddenly they all died. The end.

IMG_20141027_144340Melted butter drips
From the sky onto mountains
Of mashed potatoes

As the world awakes,
Seeking coffee to wash down
The last dregs of night.

(c) 2016. All rights reserved.

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Dad!!!!! gimme five hundred pounds.


I don’t know why they, which is to say women, always choose that particular time of day to spring on their little “requests”. Maybe they’ve been lying awake all night just waiting for the look of dismay on my face.

Now some would say that I’m pretty much useless all the time but before my first cup of tea of the day I possess the mental acuity of a retarded tree sloth. I ignored her until the first few sips of nectar had passed my dry and trembling mouth.


‘You know I’m going on holiday to America?’ How could I forget when she hasn’t drawn a single breath in the past fortnight without the subject arising. ‘Well I can’t go but even though I’ve found someone to take my place the holiday company said they couldn’t change my name for the girl who’s going instead.’

I remember the company well. No names but I’d like to get hold of the opera singer who advertises it and twist that long twirly moustache around his neck until he never warbled another note.

‘So they won’t let me change my name and British Airways say they’ve never heard of me.’

‘Even though you have a ticket. Leave it to me.’

A really long hour later I gave it up. I’m still none the wiser as to why it’s impossible to delete a name on the computer and replace it with another. I even offered to pay for the service but the tone of absolute bored indifference from the operator suggested that I didn’t have enough money in the world to induce her to perform the heinous thirty second job of looking.

And now I don’t have enough money for, well anything because I’ve got to give my little cherub fiver hundred quid so that she can go or the girl she’s going with will lose the whole £1000 deposit.

Finally and completely finished.


I said I wouldn’t, just like every writer, but I reedited for the thirteenth time and found many more errors in my three new novels. I’ve no doubt that if I did it again I’d find more and as much as I’d like it to be perfect I know for certain that I’ve never read an entire book in my life without at least half a dozen.

But this time it’s done and over the next few days I’m going to upload them and then go and buy my new computer. The valves and gears of my decade old machine are finally beginning to rust and it’s time for a new one.

The shop which promised me something better than that which NASA would ever hope to possess turned out to be useless. Well not useless but about three times more expensive than NASA could ever have afforded. So it looks as if I’ll do what I planned before: go out and buy a cheap one and simply upgrade it myself.

Regardless, my new fibre broadband begins in a few days with an absolute guaranteed minimum of 38 Mbit and a hopeful max of 90.

Can’t wait. Windows 10 and a machine that takes less than an hour to boot up here I come, and a year of painting and game programming – and a little bit of self promotion to get my books sold.

I ought to give that a lot more effort now that the pirates have begun stealing my work because my sales are abysmal. But for the moment I’m going to rejoice.

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